Since Bran says it's a penny for two, here is number two xD Well, it was meant to be number two. Originally, it was going to be another straight forward piece, but trying to incorporate other elements into the 'write as you go' style, it has turned into a more conversational piece. So much for the battle scene xD
I will keep working on this and post more pieces soon, seeing as this is all part of my master-plan to create lots of short stories that fill in the background for my chapter. In the meantime: C&C welcome :)
++Planet Kolinum Singularis++
Sergeant Izak watched the man scramble up the slope, climbing over the rugged rock formations up the long, steep incline. Izak grinned, the man's attempts at progress had amused him for some 5 minutes or more; made all the more entertaining by the lofty rank of the hapless climber. The Space Marine turned away from the man scrambling up the hill, resuming his watch over the rough grasslands and rolling hills around the peak; it would be a minute or two before the climber reached the flat top that he and his brethren stood upon.
The thought of the man's imminent arrival brought a thought to the Sergeant's mind, and he glanced toward the center of the flat-ground atop the peak, where stood a small chapel to the emperor. Little more than a single storey high, the chapel was small, and the cracked stones, glass-less windows and overgrown stone steps showed that this place had been long forgotten by most on this world.
Indeed, it had been lost to the chapter until only a few days ago, when a Librarian had come across it's location in an old document. At the shrine's base knelt a Space Marine, clad in the shining golden power armor of the chapter, a heavy black cloak draped across his shoulders. With sword unsheathed, and held in offering to the immortal spirit of the Emperor, Brother-Captain Ylsidar knelt in silent prayer. It was clear to Izak that he would need to delay the approaching man, for none should disturb the captain while he was in prayer.
"Ah, finally, finally!" The out of breath voice, over-loud in contrast to the silence that had held sway atop the hill for some hours, since the Captain had begun his prayers. Sergeant Izak quickly turned away from the temple, heading for the new arrival, ensuring that he positioned himself between the new arrival and the chapel as he moved. He was pleased to see that the other Space Marines present had also shifted their positions so as to block the man's approach without appearing to do so, and yet still remaining their vigilant watch over the surrounding lands.
Hushing his voice, as best a towering Space Marine accustomed to calling out orders across the din of battle can, Izak spoke: "Administrator, welcome. Please, be considerate, for our Captain is in prayer."
"That is not my concern, I must speak with him immediately!" The man's voice was as loud as it had been before, perhaps more so now that he was regaining his breath. "There are important things I have to say to him, so please step aside!"
The man took a step forward, forcing the Sergeant to take a step back to remain at a proper distance. "Administrator, one cannot disturb the captain while he is in prayer, it is an affront to Him."
"Then you had best ask him to conclude his prayer immediately! I wish to speak to him, and on this world I am the most senior officer of the Imperium. Go, tell your Captain I demand his presence immediately!"
Again the Administrator stepped forward, but this time the Space Marine did not step back, standing his ground and staring down at the man that stood before him. Typical, an over-blown, self-important fool that felt he had some right to interfere with the business of the Adeptus Astartes.
The Sergeant was about to speak again, to chastise this fool with some harsh words, when he felt a touch on his armored shoulder. "It is alright Sergeant, I thank you for your vigilance, but this place is silent, I hear not the whisper of the Emperor's will. It seems the ages have taken their toll, or perhaps He has forsaken this place."
Izak nodded, obediently stepping aside. "Of course, Brother-Captain Ylsidar." With a subtle hand-gesture he indicated to the other Marines to resume their previous duties, and give the two men some privacy.
Ylsidar smiled, having heard the entire conversation between the Sergeant and the Administrator, and observed Izak's gesture to the others. Izak was a fine warrior, but more than that, a promising leader; Ylsidar was sure that Izak would lead a company of the chapter one day. Turning his mind to more pressing matters, the Captain turned to the man stood impatiently before him. "Well then Administrator Dozeman, what is it that you seek of me?"
The Administrator drew himself up to his full height, clearly a habit intended to intimidate the men around him. On the Space Marine Captain it was woefully inadequate, as Ylsidar towered above the man, and the centuries had imbued him with a strength of character that was as immovable as his faith. The Space Marine smiled inwardly.
"I have come to protest your presence here Captain! I was not informed of your intentions the proper time before your visit! There is no reason for your presence! It is unacceptable, our rules do not just exist for..."
The Captain stopped listening, withdrawing into the confines of his mind, letting the Administrator continue his rant. It was clear enough, the man was afraid that the presence of Space Marines meant trouble, or worse, that he would lose the power he had worked so hard to gain. It was not uncommon among planetary governors on these remote worlds, he had seen it before many times; petty but expected.
Barely moving his eyes, Ylsidar looked around his men, most of them facing away, out toward the surrounding plains. Despite the superficial look that they were unaware of the conversation behind them, to the Space Marine Captain it was obvious that they heard every word, and found some amusement in the blustering speech the Administrator was passionately delivering.
The Captain wasn't sure why, but in a split second he decided that the man had been given enough time to bluster. Looking down at the man, he spoke out in measured tone. "And what, pray tell me Administrator Dozeman, makes you presume that we answer to you?"
The calm words stopped the speech in mid sentence, shocking the man into silence. Noticing this, the Space Marine continued, "Now that I have your attention, let me assure you that you have nothing to fear from us. We are drawn to this place for reasons of our own, our business is not with you, or even the people of this world. Please, be on your way, Administrator, and may the Emperor's will ever guide you."
Without further words, he captain turned away, and walked back toward the chapel. The Administrator was an annoying, tiresome man, but Ylsidar sensed no malice in him, no taint or corruption, only the limitations of a small-minded mortal man.
Suddenly he found himself missing his place on the homeworld, among the stars that the Chapter directly ruled on behalf of the Emperor. On those planets, the people had learned from the presence of the Chapter. Would that he could return soon.
Pushing aside such thoughts, he turned around, to see the Administrator beginning his descent from the hill-top peak. Just then, in the distance, a small cloud of dust caught his eye.
Last edited by Honsou; 15-07-2009 at 08:25 PM.
Well, no comments yet on the first bit, but I wrote another segment, so I might as well post it up. Same drill as the first one, in terms of the way it was written- slightly more focus on the development, but that's as is.
Again, C&C welcome- for the whole lot :)
++Planet Kolinum Singularis++
The deep throbbing growl of the Thunderhawk's powerful engines slowly faded, as the engines switched into idle, the dust settling around the landing gear. With a loud creaking noise, the Thunderhawk's forward door began to come open, lowering slowly to the ground revealing a Space Marine standing within.
"Captain, ready to leave?" The words were shouted, but rang clear as the engines finally faded to a purr. The Captain smiled, for the man who had arrived aboard the gunship was First Sergeant Adral, a trusted friend who had served with the Captain for many decades now.
Ylsidar nodded, and waved the two squads of marines arrayed behind him on, the silent instruction to board and prepare for departure. The Captain however did not lead the way, instead stepping aside and letting Sergeant Izak lead the men aboard.
Recognizing hesitation in the captain's actions, Adral jumped down from the gangway, dropping to the ground and moving up beside Ylsidar. In a quiet voice, with the familiarity of so many years as comrades, he spoke. "Something troubles you Brother?"
Ylsidar nodded slowly, thinking about what he felt. "I cannot explain it Adral, the Emperor's presence is silent at the shrine. I renewed the blessings, and for many hours I prayed, but I did not feel his touch."
"It may well be nothing, perhaps it is best to consult the Chaplain upon our return home, or even to contact the Master Chaplain?" The reply was calm, thoughtful and level-headed, as Ylsidar had come to expect from the Sergeant.
"You are most likely right, Brother." He nodded as if to convince himself, before turning toward the waiting Thunderhawk. "Let's go, we have dallied long enough on this world."
The Sergeant walked swiftly up the ramp, followed closely by the captain. Just over half way up the ramp, the captain turned around once more, to look out over the rolling hilly plains that stretched out around them, his eyes lingering on the raise in the distance that was the peak of the emperor's shrine. He was just about to turn around, when another cloud of dust caught his eye.
There had been dozens of them, they had streaked across the horizon at great speed for an hour or so, before the Space Marines had left the chapel. Then, just as suddenly as they had started, they stopped. This one was different though, it seemed that it was coming toward the Thunderhawk, and it looked close enough to be seen properly.
"Quickly, Binoculars!" He held his hand stretched out backward, into which a quick thinking Izak had quickly placed his own set. Raising them to his eyes, Ylsidar focused on the approaching object. There it was, a rapidly moving courier vehicle, of the kind most commonly used by Planetary administrations, where the limited size and non-existent weaponry was less of an issue than the high speed.
Adral stepped down beside his captain once again, "What is it?"
"Whoever they are, they seem in a terrible hurry to reach us. We shall wait." The captain turned to the First Sergeant, "How many of your men did you bring with you?"
"2, I did not see a need to bring any more than that." The Sergeant made a non-commital gesture, "The rest are engaged in training, meditation and prayer, as it should be."
"Do not worry Adral, 2 will be enough. Station them at the wing-tips of the Thunderhawk, as a precaution. Then we shall wait." The Sergeant nodded, "Sir." Turning back to the Thunderhawk he waved his men out, quickly explaining, then pointing them to their positions.
It did not take long for the vehicle to arrive. As it came to a halt, and the driver's hatch popped open, Ylsidar half expected it to be Administrator Dozeman with some blustering foolishness about departure procedure. Out of the vehicle stepped not the Administrator, but a thin, well built man who wore the uniform of an Imperial Guard Colonel.
Ylsidar was about to greet the man, when the colonel spoke, before even he had completely extracted himself from the vehicle he had arrived in. "Captain, I am fortunate to have arrived before you left, the God-Emperor must have hastened my way."
The man had finally entirely untangled himself and stood before the Space Marines, continuing on in slightly rushed tones. "I am Colonel Tellic Fazel of the Imperial Guard's 64th Verdat Regiment, I..."
Ylsidar cut across him, curious as to the man's reason for being here. "You are a long way from home Colonel, a very long way."
"Indeed Captain, I was sent here on a routine operational training and observation course. It seems however that the Emperor has another task in mind for me, which brings me here Captain. I fear this world is not as peaceful as it seems; there is an uprising under way. Even now, treacherous members of a citizen army have seized the gates of the capital city, and I fear they have substantial support."
Ylsidar was quiet, surprised by this turn of events. His mind rapidly flew over the news he had just heard, considering it's implications. "What of the Planetary Governor, Administrator Dozeman? Is this his doing?"
The Colonel shrugged, "Dozeman is a weak minded fool, obsessed with writing and implementing ever more useless protocols. I doubt he is aware that anything is going on, that is if the rebellion has not yet reached his office doors."
The captain thought quickly, coming to a decision in the blink of an eye. He gestured at the Thunderhawk, "Come Colonel, you shall come with us, we will have need of your knowledge." The men headed up the ramp, followed closely by the two Space Marines that had been guarding the Thunderhawk. "Well, it would seem our duty is clear. We must make for the capital, and find out what drives this rebellion, how far it has spread."
"I believe I can answer that captain, at least, in part. They rise because they do not see the Imperium's strength. Once this was a prosperous, important world, but with the depletion of mineable resources in the adjacent sector, there are few shipping routes in this region. With the passing of time, the prosperity of this world has all but disappeared, and seems beyond reach to it's people. They believe they can do better for themselves, if they free themselves from the Imperium." The colonel paused for a moment, then added "It is not hostile, it is misguided."
Ylsidar looked intently at the man, learning his innermost feelings from his eyes, before he slowly answered. "To raise arms against the Imperium, Colonel, is always hostile, for whatever reason it may be done."
"Heretical even, captain.", the Colonel interjected. It was clear enough to all that this man's faith was strong and pure. At this moment, Adral chose to interject, "Colonel, we do not share your faith." The remark seemed to confuse the officer, who stumbled in his answer. "But...do you...do you not worship the God-Emperor?"
Captain Ylsidar smiled, cutting across the exchange just as Adral was about to reply, "As a father, Colonel, not as a god." At that moment any further discussion was cut short as the Thunderhawk's engines came to life, a furious roar that shuddered through the vessel's frame, jolting the passengers as the craft began to lift from the ground
Standing near the hatch to the cockpit, Captain Ylsidar shouted up to the Thunderhawk crew: "Make best speed for the capital, stay high until the very last moment, and land as close as possible to Goverment House! And contact the homeworld, inform them of the situation."
He turned back toward the compartment behind him, looking over his men. They were fine warriors, but if the rebellion spread even half as quickly as was to be expected, then his small force of 23 Space Marines, and a lone Imperial Guard Colonel would not be enough.
The engines roared once again, speeding them on their way toward the capital. The captain looked around while he found a seat. The odds did not matter, these were his men, Space Marines of the 3rd Company of the Vorpal Dragons Chapter. They would do their duty.
Last edited by Honsou; 19-07-2009 at 04:19 PM.
Well done. A good read. It is a little disjointed with the paragraph breaks, and there are a few little grammatical glitches, but not enough to detract from the text.
For example, 2 paragraphs can be made from the first 4:
Sergeant Izak watched the man scramble up the slope, climbing over the rugged rock formations up the long, steep slope. Izak grinned, the man's attempt to climb the slope had amused him for some 5 minutes or more; made all the more entertaining by the lofty rank of the hapless climber. The Space Marine grinned*, and turned away from the man scrambling up the slope, resuming his watch over the rough, hilly grasslands around the peak. It would be a minute or two before the climber reached the flat top that he and his brethren stood upon.
The thought of the man's imminent arrival brought another thought to the Sergeant's mind, and he glanced toward the center of the flat-ground atop the peak, where stood a small chapel to the emperor. Little more than a single storey high, the chapel was small, and the cracked stones, glass-less windows and overgrown stone steps showed that this place had been long forgotten by most on this world. Indeed, it had been lost to the chapter until only a few days ago, when a Librarian had come across it's location in an old document. At the shrine's base knelt a Space Marine, clad in the shining golden power armor of the chapter, a heavy black cloak draped across his shoulders. With sword unsheathed, and held in offering to the immortal spirit of the Emperor, Brother-Captain Ylsidar knelt in silent prayer. It was clear to Izak that he would need to delay the approaching man, for none should disturb the captain while he was in prayer.
* Having told us he had grinned in the previous line, there is no need to do so again.
Aye, you have a good point- I've read through it again, and found a few other similar glitches. Thanks for the input, always welcome :)
Ok, I've made some edits, tried to streamline it a bit more than it was previously, and generally done a little tidying. I would appreciate C&C. :) I am working on the next segment :)
Well here's the next segment, C&C welcome. Enjoy :)
EDIT: Btw, REP prize for anyone who can explain the word-play joke in this segment of the story. Hints: it is the name of a character (fore and surname) that is introduced for the first time in this segment, but not actually presented yet.
++Planet Kolinum Singularis++
The Thunderhawk's engines roared as the craft settled heavily onto the open plaza in front of Government House. Standing in the cockpit, Captain Ylsidar looked out at the empty square, seeking to fathom the world beyond the viewscreen. Turning away, he dropped down into the main compartment to rejoin his men, each patiently waiting for the Thunderhawk's forward door to open. Looking around, Ylsidar considered saying some words, instantly realizing it was unnecessary. Instead, he moved forward as the door finally opened, leading his contingent of Space Marines forward.
Ylsidar did not look behind him to ensure that his men were taking up the proper positions, knowing that Adral would have briefed them in detail, and each would obey his orders to the letter. Instead, he bounded forward, moving with long strides toward Government House.
++Planet Kolinum Singularis++
++Government House, Agora Majoris++
Administrator Dozeman was sitting in his office, looking through a report that an aide has brought in only a few minutes ago. The report dealt with the details of minor repairs to a secondary water processing and storage plant in the Ager Minimus Tertius, one of the smallest and most insignificant farming communities on the planet. The administrator had already filled several pages of notes for new protocols on the dataslate lying on the desk in front of him. Just as he was about to add another thought to the list, the doors crashed open.
Standing in the doorway was Brother-Captain Ylsidar, flanked by two Space Marines. Next to the captain, seeming infinitely short in comparison, stood a man that Dozeman did not recognize, clad in the uniform of an Imperial Guard Colonel.
"Administrator." The captain did not wait for a reply, nor did he explain why it was that, despite his earlier words with the planetary governor, he was now standing in the man's office. Without a moment of hesitation, the Space Marine continued. "Tell me, are you a traitor to the glorious Emperor, or are you a fool unworthy of his care?"
The Administrator was, once again, shocked into silence by the captain's words, managing only to stutter something unintelligible about reports and many duties. While the man floundered, unsure of what was going on, Ylsidar came to a halt in front of his desk, looking down at the governor with contempt. "Are you aware Administrator", the title was used almost sarcastically, "that even at this very moment your world has risen against the Imperium? Are you aware that as we speak, the capital is taken?
Before the Administrator could open his mouth to utter a reply, Colonel Fazel re-entered the office, having returned the the outer office as the conversation began. "Captain Ylsidar! I have located the command and control room." The Space Marine captain looked up, "Where?"
"Down the end of the hall, through the side-door from the outer office." As he spoke, he nodded the general direction he meant. "It seems the majority of functions are routed through there, including Imperial Guard deployments. We might be able to figure out what's going on from there."
Ylsidar nodded, "Good thinking Colonel. Lead the way." As he spoke he grabbed Dozeman by the scruff of his coat, and none too gently. "You are coming with us."
++Planet Kolinum Singularis++
Sergeant Izak let his gaze sweep along the length and breadth of the plaza, identifying any possible tactical considerations. So far their arrival did not seem to have been noted, but he was not known for being careless of tactics. Having surveyed the plaza, he turned his attention to the Space Marines, who had taken up defensive positions around the Thunderhawk and Government House.
Izak nodded in satisfaction. Under the circumstances, they had deployed well; he only hoped that the lack of heavy weapons would not become an issue. Even a single Heavy Bolter would have gone a long way toward making him more comfortable with their situation. He shook the thought off, they would have to do without.
Looking around one more time, Sergeant Izak walked down the steps, taking up position with the other Sergeant, between the two squads.
++Planet Kolinum Singularis++
++Government House, Agora Majoris++
Bracing himself, Captain Ylsidar threw his entire force against the door, smashing the power-sealed lock mechanism into fragments, and sending the armored door flying across the room beyond. When the group had arrived, it was discovered that Dozeman had not bothered to memorize the necessary codes, forcing this more drastic approach.
Ylsidar lead the way into the large room, followed by Fazel, Sergeant Adral and his two men, one of whom was still half-carrying, half pushing Administrator Dozeman. It was Colonel Fazel that voiced the thought that immediately passed through each of their minds: "Why is it empty?"
Just then, a young man stepped into the room, from the duty-kitchen, intended to supply the extensive staff of a command and control center. Seeing the new arrivals, the man stopped dead in his tracks, dropping the mug he held in his hands. From his reaction, and the way he stared at Ylisdar, it was clear the young man had never seen a Space Marine before.
It was some seconds before anyone spoke. Captain Ylsidar looked him up and down; the man could not have been more than 19 years of age. Noting that he wore an Imperial Guard uniform bearing the colors of Kolinum Singularis, Ylisdar spoke: "I am Brother-Captain Ylsidar, of the 3rd Company of the Vorpal Dragons Space Marine Chapter. Who are you, are you the duty officer?"
The young man stammered, for a few seconds, eventually gaining self control with an obvious effort. "I...I...I'm. I'm R-recruit O-Officer Tarrits. I don't know...who is the duty officer. I'm...supposed to report to General Vandrer. Gytan Vandrer?" The young officer was clearly unsure, intimidated by the Space Marines' sudden appearance.
"Don't worry son, relax." Colonel Fazel walked over to Tarrits as he spoke, putting a calming hand on his shoulder. "Do you know where we might find General Vandrer? Where we might find any of the staff on duty today, for that matter?" His tone was soothing; unlike the Space Marines he to had known the anxious fear that the young man was experiencing, he to had been a young, unexperienced officer once; overawed by seniority and in particular the Emperor's glorious Space Marines.
Colonel Fazel looked over at the Space Marines, "Captain, with your permission, I will talk to the young man." Ylsidar, recognizing the Colonel's intention, nodded in return and walked over to the central status display, intending to discover the information they were looking for.
Knowing the young officer's fears, Colonel Fazel removed his jacket, laying it aside so that Tarrits was not intimidated by his rank. "Come, sit down here son. There's no need to be worried. I'm Tellic Fazel, why don't you just start from the beginning..." Fazel stopped for a second, thinking, and then added "Do you want something to drink, another mug? No? Ok. Well, start at the beginning son..."
Last edited by Honsou; 19-07-2009 at 04:27 PM.
This is good, Honsou.
As the reader I am following the plot without any difficulty and the flow is steady and descriptive. As Nomad mentions, there are some grammatical and punctuation issues but, having read all segments through, it is tough to go back and isolate each individual one. Something for you to fine toothcomb
You spotted some word 'over useage' (is that how I should put it?) within my recent piece of fiction and I will draw your attention to the opening 5 or 6 paragraphs of your first segment. I'm not going to teach you to suck eggs; you find them - as they are there!
Space Marines in bloody combat all the time is a pet dislike of mine so, as a result, this is a nice little change.
Keep it going.
Thanks for the input Bran, always appreciated! I'm glad you approve of the story and style.
You are absolutely right about the repetition (grammatically, I think it's "over use" not that it's relevant :P), I'm sorry to say I also fall prey to it on more than one occasion. I've gone through already and removed the worst of them- I'll certainly need to comb through again to look for the grammar and repetition you mention, so thanks for that.
I'll definitely keep it going- next segment will be up in the next few days, if all goes well. Stop by again then
Repitition/Repetition(sp) - that's the word I was after!
Will subscribe to the thread.
Yep. And I'm pretty sure it's "Repetition." Glad to hear you're subscribing, can't be bad :)
Originally Posted by Brannick